Wow. Just wow. The tire just got blown off about the whole disbelief thing.
I’ve been playing around with a new toy on the Internet called Facebook. It’s basically a social-networking tool that allows you to connect with friends and family. It has an amusing feature that allows you to set your status based on how you’re feeling or what you’re doing. I’ve found many old friends and have been so excited to catch up with them all and see how they are. It has almost been a game to get as many Facebook friends as possible. I even got my wife to sign up and use it and we are competing on friend count.
A couple days ago, I “friended” a girl I once dated. In retrospect, it was innocent enough, but I was asking for trouble.
I spent almost three years of my life pining for this girl. I spent more time pining over her than I spent actually dating her, ironically. We were together for a few months in my freshman year at CWU, then my emotional insecurities kicked in and she mostly walked away from me, though treating me as something of an intimate friend thereafter. I never got over her. When I left that summer to live with my dad in Idaho, I would often listen to music she liked and dream about a future with her in it. I even had a summer fling that didn’t fix it. I returned to Ellensburg that fall to say goodbye to my friends before leaving on my mission to Brazil. I spent the time mostly with her. As I was leaving to return to Idaho and from there to Utah and the Missionary Training Center, we said a long goodbye outside the truck I had borrowed from my dad for the trip. Finally as I was about to leave, she kissed me.
As I drove off to the future, I was elated and my heart was soaring. What did this ambiguous kiss mean? Officially, we were only “friends” at that point. I spent the next two years on my mission thinking about that and towards the end of my mission, I admit, I was fully intending to return home and find her waiting for me. The first call I made when I made it to my dad’s new home in Las Vegas was to her. During that call, I found that I had been “scooped”. A childhood friend of mine had dated and had a whirlwhind engagement to her. They would be married almost before I could see her again!
When I was later dating my future wife, she came into our relationship knowing my history with this girl and has always felt threatened by her down to this day.
Imagine my wife’s surprise to see this woman on my list of “friends”! She confronted me with it, and my immediate reaction is to backpedal and cover-up. I flubbed it badly and my wife assumed the worst. What had started as a pretty innocent moment of curiousity blossomed into full-fledged crisis. As we sat in bed last night, my wife expressed deep disappointment in my actions. She wondered what it all meant…then went on to question me about why there were white t-shirts and underwear that were not the temple garments in the laundry she folded yesterday.
She assumed an affair of some sort. I re-assured her that it was much more tame than that. She pressed me to tell her what it DID mean. I proceeded, little by little, to explain my disdain for the temple ceremonies and their origins. I knew my wall of defense was beginning to crumble and soon she would know the extent of my disaffection. It was scary, both to me AND her. She was beginning to see some of her rosy Mormon worldview façade cracking and was thinking of drastic measures to protect herself and the kids. I actually felt relieved to discuss my issues with a real live person instead of the internet forum, New Order Mormon, that I have been secretly participating in for months.
This morning, we talked again (after she inspected all my internet ramblings and my Facebook account). At first she was angry and accused me of dumping this on her. Then she became reconciled to what I have become and I can see a plan forming to “save” me. She agonized over not being able to talk to anyone about this, because I would be judged by family members and ward members alike. I really respect that she cares about that. When I headed to work, we shared a tender moment and reminded each other about our love. I can tell that she is broken-hearted and it kills me to have done this. This was why I kept it secret for so long. I hate to hurt.
I don’t know what I’ll do at this point. I think I’ve been given free reign to be myself and make my own decisions, but I don’t know how she’ll re-act if I do. I have to keep this marriage together because my family is the only thing I have left to care about in this world. Life would have no value to me without them.
