I lost my religion in a church bookstore.
I’ve been interested in LDS History (and anything historical, for that matter) since I could first read. In eighth grade, I read Richard Lloyd Dewey’s Porter Rockwell Biography and was fascinated by descriptions of an LDS folk hero who did not fall into the typical mold.
I never doubted the truthfulness of the LDS church (just myself) until midway though my mission in another country. I was in a small city where my missionary companion and I were the local leadership, and I found it difficult to understand the lack of faith demonstrated by the few members of the branch there. I was frustrated and full of reservations regarding my own leadership abilities, when my companion and I tracted into an Adventist family. They listened to our discussion politely and allowed us to come back. They also invited us to visit their worship service, which we did. They had a large building on a prominent street in town, and it occurred to me that as long as we were meeting in a rented rundown doctor’s office, we would never be able to attract a following in this town. After the service, a man and his wife introduced themselves and invited us to his house for a visit.
Within the next few weeks, we stopped to see him and he treated us with all the kindness and benevolence a man could treat young men who could easily be his sons. We tried to teach him about the founding of the LDS church, but he just laughed and told us not to bother with the lessons. I knew there would be no budging this man from his church. He was such a good person and Christian, I started to wonder why we even bothered proselyting at all. If someone is happy with their current belief system, why would I bother to take it away from them? I resolved at that point only to find people who were either godless or “Catholic”, because those were the people who needed our message.
It was shortly thereafter, we were preparing a sister in the branch to take out her temple endowments for the first time. Everyone in her family were all regular church goers, except her son-in-law George, who although he had the Melchizedek Priesthood, did not attend regularly and was not interested in taking any callings. During one visit, George said he wanted us to see a video he had somehow obtained about the church. My companion and I sat down with the whole family to watch a foreign translation of a movie that I am now sure was Ed Decker’s “Temple of the Godmakers”. I was blown away to see the temple ceremonies so brazenly mocked. I never fathomed that someone would do such a thing! The sister asked me if what they showed was true, and while I felt some misgivings about revealing temple covenants, I also knew that I could not lie. I told her that yes, the temple ceremonies had been pretty accurately represented (except for the dark, scary lighting and freaky, stern old men that Decker had cast in the film).
As we walked away from there, I contemplated a couple of the things from the movie. In his usual over the top way, Decker had stretched the truth beyond all recognition…but there was a modicum of the truth there. An actress in the film made a big deal about feeling the presence of dead relatives in the temple and related it to necromancy. I’d never thought of the temple in the same manner as a ouija board before. In hindsight, I think I’d also rather have been introduced to the Mormon-Mason connection in a different way.
For some reason, my mission president went out of his way to visit our area for interviews and I asked him for a priesthood blessing. I was transferred shortly after that. As I left the area, I pushed any doubts I had deep into my mind. I dismissed them as sign of my lack of faith and convinced myself that I needed to try harder (the usual Mormon line). It was not until six months later, during a period of enormous missionary success for me, that I found something else to make me doubt.
We were teaching and baptizing like crazy and one of our investigators had also been studying with the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I convinced them to give us the study materials and they included a Watchtower dedicated to Mormonism. I skeptically opened it one morning in our apartment and leafed through the articles. I couldn’t stop reading it. What were these peepstones they were talking about? Joseph Smith was traipsing the countryside and getting paid to look for gold? All my doubts came flooding back. I had always wondered why Isaiah was quoted so much in the Book of Mormon, so could it be that Joseph Smith really had made it all up? Was he just reading aloud from a Bible on the other side of that curtain and having it dictated? During the next meeting with my Zone Leaders, I confronted them with my fears. They could not offer any help, why should they? They knew less than I did about it.
Again, I pushed my doubts aside and finished out my remaining month on the mission. It wouldn’t be until I had spent various years in Scout callings and well outside spiritual roles in the LDS Church before I contemplated LDS history again. In hindsight, it was Scouting that gave fulfillment at church. I was content not to be a spiritual leader and when I found out that a non-member could actually serve in that role, I felt it was my place to be. I also found that I detested Sunday School and wondered why we couldn’t just have sermons on how to be better people, not just the same old rehashed doctrinal discussions.
Finally, one Christmas several years ago, I was inside a Deseret Bookstore for whatever reason and saw Rough Stone Rolling. I hadn’t thought about reading a biography of the founder of Mormonism before. I’d read plenty of Civil War, World War II and biographies of US Presidents, but nothing on the Church. It promised to be a good read, and to present facts, not the missionary discussion version of LDS history. I purchased a copy and sent it to my father for Christmas, without ever reading it. I’m still not sure what my father thinks of that particular gift, he is pretty much an unquestioning TBM. I later got a copy for myself to read. It merely whetted my appetite.
Who knew all this information was out there? I went and looked for more books to read. In the next year, I pounded down American Moses, Mormon Enigma and In Sacred Loneliness. While researching for a Sunday School lesson one week, I stumbled on the New Order Mormons website. (I wish I could remember the search term, but it was sure fortunate.) The concept of New Order Mormons seemed strange and foreign, and I didn’t have time to think about it, so I bookmarked it for later. Soon I found the Times & Seasons blog, along with a few other not so friendly ones. After testing the waters for a while and realizing that no one was “inspired” to know what I was doing, I dove in headfirst. I read everything everywhere like it was an addiction.
So where am I now? I don’t believe much of what I taught on the mission and even find myself hoping there is a God and that Jesus is the One to save me. My marriage to my wife was based on the understanding that we both held common beliefs, and although she sometimes shows some NOM tendencies, a life outside the church is unfathomable to her. To tell the truth, it really is to me too. The concept that it might not ALL be true is also pretty foreign to my wife. She does wish we had better music and recently I even saw her correcting herself when she had the idea to go to another church for some more entertaining music.
I’m striving to find a compromise with how I feel. For sentimental reasons, I want to be affiliated with the LDS church, even if there are plenty of things to irritate me about it. I have not come completely clean with my wife and I want to preserve harmony in our relationship and may never fully confess my misgivings. I would also like the freedom to stop feeling guilty about ridiculous little items, like not holding FHE, temple attendance, member missionary work and being an assigned friend to a family in the ward (home teaching). I would also like to try out some new things, like attending another church occasionally. I am so bored at church these days and would like to actually enjoy going, instead of dreading the drudgery every week and trying to find a reason to skip.
Also for sentimental reasons, I want to bless and baptize my own children and have them attend Primary, but I want them to avoid having the One True Church mentality that I did growing up. I’m not sure how I feel about my children serving on missions now. I loved my mission, my wife loved hers, but that is also where you become an unquestioning LDS robot.
Having experience in LDS Scouting, I also have serious doubts about letting my son participate in that fouled up program. I might consider having him join an external troop, but participate with an LDS troop for the fun of it. For that matter, I also want my daughters to get a fair shake at normalcy and don’t find that the Young Women program is really the right place for them if they are to learn that they can do anything or be anyone they want.
