So, Why Can’t Mormons Drink Beer?

Brigham Young once commented on the origins of the Mormon Health Code, the Word of Wisdom:

“When they assembled together in this room after breakfast, the first they did was to light their pipes, and, while smoking, talk about the great things of the kingdom, and spit all over the room, and as soon as the pipe was out of their mouths a large chew of tobacco would then be taken. Often when the Prophet [Joseph Smith] entered the room to give the school instructions he would find himself in a cloud of tobacco smoke. This, and the complaints of his wife at having to clean so filthy a floor, made the Prophet think upon the matter, and he inquired of the Lord relating to the conduct of the Elders in using tobacco, and the revelation known as the Word of Wisdom was the result of his inquiry.”
Journal of Discourses, vol. 12, p. 158

Even during my true believer days, I always felt it quite convenient that Joseph Smith had this revelation shortly after his wife complained to him about having to clean up after a bunch of dudes who hung out at their house smoking and spitting tobacco on the floor.

Being married, I know the wrath of a woman whose hard cleaning work is undone shortly after she finishes. I have no doubt that someone as opinionated and sure of herself as Emma Smith would have no problem coming down on anyone, including her prophet-husband. Hell, he spent a majority of his life cowering from her and attempting to assuage her.

I find it suspiciously coincidental that when he wrote this, Joseph Smith prohibited the vices that bothered his wife the most and appeased those in the immediate vicinity who were pushing for a temperance movement in the church. It is highly amusing that he then went a step further, prohibiting coffee and tea, in what I see was a jab at the ladies’ and their gossip-filled tea parties. Take that! If you want me to tell the men they can’t drink and smoke, I’m taking away something from you!

I love how he left himself an out on all counts. It was not a “commandment” it was just advice. And Joseph’s favorite drink? Well, beer just happens to specifically allowed!

16. All grain is good for the food of man; as also the fruit of the vine; that which yieldeth fruit, whether in the ground or above the ground—

17. Nevertheless, wheat for man, and corn for the ox, and oats for the horse, and rye for the fowls and for swine, and for all beasts of the field, and barley for all useful animals, and for mild drinks, as also other grain. (emphasis added)

Sorry, remind me, how many drinks were made from barley in 1833? Oh, that’s right…beer and whiskey! Now, I personally think beer tastes like shit and will never get past that smell, but for those who like it, like Joseph Smith apparently did, they should be justified in drinking it AND holding a temple recommend if you ask me (which no one did).

Political Paradox: I’ve Lost My Religion, Not My Mind

I’m finding myself in a weird paradox regarding the political spectrum as I mature in my disaffection with the LDS church and the general population of members.

I was brought up in a small town (<5000 residents) by a staunchly politically conservative father, listening to Rush Limbaugh and talk radio. It always seemed to me that rural living and conservatism were the natural order of things.

As a Mormon, I was raised to think that lifestyles outside the Mormon norm were inherently wrong or flawed. This was not drilled into me by any means, but it was not in my nature to question this as I had rarely encountered differing political views or lifestyles. I never questioned politics until I moved to a larger city at the end of my high school career. There, I befriended people of various ethnicities and with varying family lifestyles. In an effort to fit in, be cool, I found it was a window in my life where I was open to new views.

At that time in young life, I experimented with social drugs and tried things outside the norm as I tested my sense of independence and indivuality. I listened to rebellious music and observed life outside a Mormon bubble. Mostly this serene time in my life marked by political apathy and teenage angst and exploration.

This window of open-mindedness quickly slapped shut when I served a full-time LDS mission in Brazil and changed course to the proscribed life plans of every young LDS man. It was after my mission that I re-discovered politics. Without consciously knowing it, I fell back to my roots and started down the road of political conservatism, but swearing that I was not the “Rush Limbaugh” type. Eventually, I even gave that up and found I liked listening to the man and the many other hosts that had cropped up during the Clinton years.

So where is the paradox, you ask? In my experience, most disaffected Mormons come from the left side of the political spectrum. I have always said to myself, “I lost my religion, not my mind” with regard to politics. So, I find myself an outcast among outcasts. I still feel that my political ideology was not driven by my participation in the LDS community, but I do fear that I accepted too many tenets of this ideology on a sense of “faith” in the radio hosts.

So, with my re-discovery of faith, I now found myself re-examining what I believed were non-questionable political beliefs. Not a lot of them, but certain  social taboos simply don’t mean as much to me now as they used to. I mostly wish that politicians and fanatical activists on both sides could find easy reconciliation and thereby reduce the amount of rancor in society.

For example, the recent push by uncompromising activists within the gay community to achieve “equality” with regard to marriage. I have finally arrived at a point in my mind where I really could care less how the gays live their life, I just wish they would live it without pushing it so hard on the rest of society that may or may not support the lifestyle.

I am inclined to vote for gay marriage based on a sense of “let’s just get over this”. However, with all the bigotry and misplaced anger against Mormons regarding the recently passed Proposition 8 in California, I could go the other way just to spite these people and teach them a lession! Their latest proposed actions, the so-called “kiss-ins” at Mormon temples seems more likely to create emnity and build a wall with the Mormon community, rather than break it down (which is the intended effect, I hope). Mormons have a serious persecution complex and the gays will play into that by doing this. Isn’t there another way?

Why can we all not be content with a simple civil union which achieves all the benefits of marriage without using the dreaded word “marriage” itself? Could not both sides be content with that or do they really need to have the decades long knockdown engagements that we’re having? Homosexuality may never be accepted by everyone in society at large. That is a fact. Why must conservative activists push so hard to condemn it and the gay activists push so hard to force the issue on those who will always disagree with them? Just, agree to shake hands and live, instead of finding bigotted ways to oppose each other!!

I’m Not Bitter. Am I Happy?

Why I’m Not Bitter
As I’ve progressed in my knowledge and comprehension in the pursuit of a truthful history and understanding of the origins of the Mormon church, I’ve come across so many different attitudes relating to the church. There are those who are angry, sarcastic and venomous towards the organization to which they sacrificed so much of their time and money. I can empathize with this viewpoint. I’ve also come across those who willfully close their minds to the possibility that what is taught in Sunday School or by the missionaries could potentially be anything other than the searing white-hot truth. I can also empathize with their desire to remain inside their protective cacooon, because it’s a frightening concept to think that what you’ve believed so long to be airtight and solid might just have some cracks in it.

For myself, however, I aspire to no more than to straddle the divide. It would be so easy to allow bitterness to well up and overflow. However, I feel no burning sense of self-righteous anger that would send me to crusade against the powers that be in Salt Lake City. I am not angered by the evolutionary processes that have transpired in that citadel of Mormonism to keep the blinders up and the plebian masses sitting in the pews each week. At a certain point, the administration of the church becomes a huge exercise in self-preservation and self-perpetuation. Given the amount of devotion that those in the upper echelons of the LDS church have to the organization (and it’s associated mythology), I understand why the “Bretheren” continue to do what they do in the face of simmering rebellion due to the internet age.

I do not understand those who feel it is their purpose in life to destroy the organization. Mormonism is my culture and my society. I do not understand their anger and hate. Why hate such a thing that once gave them joy? To me, the Mormon church is a grand social club which provides me many benefits, including a built-in support group and networking opportunities with a group of individuals who share a common life experiences. This is really invaluable.

I choose to live by my own rules within the confines of Mormonism that allow me to fully participate, yet not necessarily subject my own needs (nor those of my family) to those of the organization. I will not perform a duty or calling out of any sense of obligatory devotion to perpetuate a “good cause”. I do it because it benefits me and my family. It sounds selfish (and it is), but why should I throw all that Mormonism has provided for me? I choose to find the good in this organization that is such a part of me. I choose to laugh at myself and my community when there is cause to do so. I choose to travel outside the lines which have been so firmly drawn by church culture, so that I can live a less-judgemental life and find beauty in a wider variety of people and experiences.

Am I Happy?
A good friend, after I revealed the depths of my disbelief of Mormon origins to him, asked me “Are you happy?” It was a worthy question. I live a lot of my life hiding what I feel about such a looming player in my life. My wife is aware how I feel, but few others know to what extent I disbelieve. While I really dislike having to hide this from those I love, I also consider the hurt it would bring them if I were to reject it outright. They would personally feel rejected, and that would hurt me. While I wish I could free them from the guilt they feel at the obligations thrust on them by the church, I understand that some crave this as a way to feel engaged in a better cause.

I love my wife, and she has given up a lot from her viewpoint. It makes me happy to play a part so that she doesn’t suffer social ramifications from my disbelief. It makes me happy to see my children have a safe environment to make friends and have a sense of connectedness with the community outside of school.

So would it make me happier to shout from the rooftops that Joseph Smith is a fraudulent magician and a sexual libertine at the minimum (pedophile at the worst)? I don’t think so. While I accept the premise of these facts, I would prefer that church members find this out on their own, in an organic fashion, inspired by curiosity, not because some loudmouth spat it in their face.

So, yes, I AM happy and content and maybe even complacent. Is it such a bad thing?

Now I Know A General Authority

First, some background on why I missed this announcement.

Ever since we’ve been able to receive General Conference via regular cable here in the Pacific Northwest, we’ve watched it at home. Normally this entails waking up, having a late breakfast and wasting most of the day Saturday and Sunday watching monotonous person after monotonous person speak about the same monotonous things everyone spoke about at the last conference.

I would always give it a soldier’s effort before succumbing to the natural inclinations of one’s body left in a prone position listening hypnotic droning…yes, sleep always overcomes me by the third speaker in the first session.

Later, I could stomach conference better by following running threads on various internet forums. The live feedback was a lifesaver and kept me far more engaged than I otherwise would have been.

This last General Conference was a new one for me. Since my disaffection became known to my spouse, I’ve had less and less reason to pretend to care about these types of things. Frankly, I’ve also had less and less reason to feel guilty too.

Incidentally, I missed my former mission president being called as a General Authority during the conference. He was called as the General Young Men’s President. I have a soft spot for this guy. We practically worshipped him as missionaries. As I look back on it, he was amicable enough, but always aloof and somewhat impersonal. I had always heard all these stories about numbers-obsessed mission presidents and have counted myself fortunate not to have had one. He was a good guy and sincere enough, albeit a little uncreative and stiff. Definitely a white-shirted in-the-box Mormon, though.

So how do I feel about this? Interestly enough, I was in shock to begin with. I NEVER thought I would have any sort of connection to a General Authority of any sort. I don’t live in the Jell-O belt, so I just figured the Utah-centric things would never intrude on my personal life. It seems so strange. I kind of feel like I’m related to royalty.

Add to that the fact that, I have spent 10 of the last 11 years since my mission working with the Young Men in some fashion. I feel a natural affection towards this calling. I am, however, greatly annoyed by those who would turn EVERY damn meeting into a testimony meeting. Boys need to wrestle around and have fun without someone reminding them to feel inadequate at every turn. The previous General Young Men’s President, Charles Dahlquist, was amazing in this regard. He was very Scouting-centric, which appealed to me.

Pres. Beck, I fear, will be the polar opposite. He will be more at home in the white shirt “uniform of the priesthood” than the comforting fun-loving brown khaki of the Scout shirt. I am very afraid for what this means for the focus of the Church-wide Young Men’s program.

Perhaps I got out of Young Mens just in time…

Ending the Drought

I had a personal (albeit phyrric) triumph on Sunday during the Elders’ Quorum lesson about the the “Bitter Fruits of Apostasy”. During the lesson, we began discussing the uprising that Joseph Smith underwent by the church at large during the Kirtland period when the the Kirtland Anti-Banking Society that he created went under. There were meetings in the Kirtland temple to depose Joseph Smith as the head of the church. One of the men in the class mentioned how he couldn’t fathom how people so close to the prophet (and all the glory he encompassed, I suppose) could even think to have held such a meeting.

I have held my tongue for years in these classes. Quite frankly, it was because I simply didn’t have anything intelligent and inoffensive to say. Finally, the drought ended. I held my hand up to comment. I mentioned that these people had serious cause for doubt in Joseph, he was the living prophet of God and he creates a bank that immediately fails due to a national banking crisis. This was his first major failure as a public person. Also it was not as if they chose some stranger to lead them, David Whitmer was one of the witnesses of the Book of Mormon. He claimed visions of the plates and angels and was well-respected in the community.

I was not surprised to see that this led to discussion of Joseph being human and fallible. Another man even quoted the scripture that no prophet is loved in his own country (Mark 6:4). It was nice to see people talk about Joseph Smith as a man, rather than a quasi-deity (Jesus reference aside) and realize he as as human as the rest of us. It was also fun to turn the subject of the lesson away from the “bitterness” of apostasy to a little understanding of why people would doubt their confident, charismatic leader.

What I also wish I had been able to talk about was that the story of the first vision was not highly publicized until after they left Missouri. So his story of angels delivering a message and a call to preach was not all that unique among the many charismatic spiritual leaders of the time. I really wanted to bring up that the bank collapse was one of the main reasons that Joseph Smith left for Missouri in the dead of night in the first place. He had a lot of very angry creditors/depositors who lost a lot of money due to his ineptitude.

Hopefully, I will find the courage to expound on a lot more of the history in the lessons and so establish credibility in my Elders’ Quorum. I don’t know how many people’s minds will change, but maybe, just maybe I can help some of them break through the white-washed veneer they have been taught to impose over anything related to the church!

Mormon Missionary De-converted by Jehovah’s Witnesses

In my last area on my mission in Brazil, I was given an epiphany by the TJs (pronounced Teh-jotas, i.e. Testemunhos de Jeová or Jehovah’s Witnesses). One of our investigators was studying with them at the same time as with us. As they usually do, the Jehovah’s Witnesses left a smattering of pamphlets and various propaganda (we did the same, of course). For some reason, I understood that it was my duty to carry these things off so as not to confuse. In hindsight, I see that for what it was, the desire to carry off a competitor’s influence with a potential “customer”.

In this case, the things I carried off, I intended to keep as a curiosity. One of the items was a Watchtower magazine that was focused on Mormonism. After I brought them back to my apartment, I intended to bury them in the bottom of my duffel bags and never look at them until I had finished my time as was at home in the US. Within a few days, however, my curiosity got the better of me, and I retrieved this Watchtower to peruse. My companion had taken sick and was in a back bedroom resting, and the other missionary companionship in the apartment had already left, so I was pretty much alone as I read. I distinctly remember placing it on our ironing board and leaning on it to read it (we no other real furniture in the place besides our beds).

I was never naive in knowing that we were indeed a “peculiar” people with restrictions and rules that made no sense to others. I also had a healthy interest in history, so naturally the articles on Mormon origins in that magazine intrigued me the most. Slowly, it was revealed to me how an outsider to Mormonism (or a motivated competitor) viewed the idiosyncrasies and oddities of the founding of the religion.

Seeing the criticisms printed on a page seemed to make them more tangible to me. They explained the rumors of buried gold in the New York region in the early 1800s and that Joseph Smith was one who participated in various hunts for treasure and liked telling stories about Indians. I felt like I was finally seeing Mormonism in third-person and it felt so surreal and strange. It caused me to ponder, could such a hoax could have been pulled off on all of Joseph Smith’s closest associates, or were they part and parcel to it? Could this explain the questions I had earlier in the mission when I was reading Isaiah in the Book of Mormon and wondered why it just seemed like someone had copied them directly from the Bible? Maybe Joseph Smith had just kept a large family bible unter a sheet so it looked like he had the plates he had described, all the while dictating those words to his scribe?

My thoughts were quickly spiraling and I quickly tried to quash them by throwing the pamphlets away and praying for some sort of guidance from God. In subsequent days and weeks, I attempted to work with the same zeal as I had before, but my efforts felt so hollow and fake. I recall walking home one night with despair in my heart and looking to the star-filled sky and asking “Are you there, God?” I felt nothing. What a position for a Mormon missionary to be in! I had several people who would soon be baptized as Mormons due to my efforts, yet I could hardly find faith to believe in God, let alone the Mormon version of Him and the whole story of Mormonism.

It was at that point that I realized I would probably never fully believe again and that my skepticism would probably never be put fully to rest. I chose to finish my mission coasting out the last two months, so that I could then return home and decide what to do with my life and my faith.

While the TJs did not, and never will get me as a convert, they certainly helped me see the light regarding the beast that is Mormon history.

What’s Left of My Faith?

I was recently reading on a web forum called New Order Mormon. A thread there caused me to return my thoughts once again to faith. After recent my awakening and challenge of paradigm, I often wonder what I have left to believe in (my wife does too, with much sadness in her eyes). I want to attempt to lay out where my faith is at this point.

I believe that if there is a God, he is pretty disengaged with our lives. I don’t think he cares what we do with every minute, and I don’t think he micro-manages every action we take, what words and prayers we say or what we wear. Ordinances are an excellent mechanism to show that we mean to better ourselves as individuals, but I don’t think a loving God will require these outward actions to enter into a restful state after this life.

I believe we should make our own decisions, based on our own conscience, common sense and experience (and prejudices), because we will love ourselves more when we feel we are doing what we feel is “right”.

I believe that we should not be afraid of history and science in all its forms. What is currently believed to be “true” will change based on the knowledge we have about history and science. Truth will stand up to rigorous testing without fear.

I hope there was a historical Jesus. I know that the things he taught are useful and should be studied, along with the writings of other great minds in order to make us better humans. I am uncertain as to whether I believe that Jesus was the son of God, or just the conflation of some radical Jewish rabbi, John the Baptist, the Egyptian sun god and Zeus. I don’t know that it even matters. I need to live a good life as a positive role model and loving individual. The hereafter will take care of itself.

I believe Joseph Smith believed in the work he was doing. I don’t think that made his actions justified in many cases. He was not justified in embellishing his personal epiphany as a youth into a vision of deity. He was not justified in making claims that his personal writings sprang from the mouth of deity. He was not justified in flaunting the laws of the land in banking, land-owning or as a member of the government of Nauvoo. History shows that his death was precipitated by his own actions in breaking the law (although those who lynched him we equally not justified.)

Above all, I believe the purpose of this life is to discover. We should spend this life discovering new things and examining them in all their glory. We should evaluate and determine a discovery’s worth constantly. We should seek new understanding and never stop long enough to become stagnant in our knowledge and belief. We need to treat other people kindly and stand up for good morals. We need to learn to accept who and what we are in society and learn to love it. A diligent search for happiness and constant discovery IS the purpose of life.

I admit, there is not much left in my faith in God, Jesus or the Mormon church to sufficiently sustain the inflexible religious life required by them. However, my quest for happiness will make this life worth it as I try to iron out my rough edges and love my wife and family with all the energy that I have!

Lucky Guy

I guess I’m a pretty lucky guy. After months of reading how disastrous the revealing of a Mormon heretic’s unbelief could be to said heretic’s spouse, my wife took it pretty well.

There is still a sense of mourning that I feel from her, but I am making every effort to let her know that while I am no longer dedicated to the Mormon church and temple ceremonies, I believe in our marriage and family with all my heart. While she is in mourning for our eternal marriage, I am opening my mind that God would never be so petty and mean as to take away one’s family because the right ceremony was not performed.

That sounds kind of judgmental. I don’t really mean it that way, and that is something I am trying to stress to her too. I fully intend to respect her right to believe however she wants and let her come to me to ask whatever questions she has. I am trying to respect the Mormon mindset she has, mainly because I understand it and have been where she is.

She seems to keep pressing me for details, though. She scoffs at most of my concerns and writes them off as me simply parroting what I have read on the internet somewhere. I am offended at comments like this, as if I haven’t read and evaluated enough sources or something. When I have let her know what she is doing, she apologizes and accepts my difference in opinions. The thing is, I was just like her when I started learning the truth about the foundations of the Mormon institution. I kept scoffing at each new fact and wondered why someone would let that particular fact sway them. At some point, however, I stopped to take stock of all I had learned and realized that there wasn’t that much left for me to believe in anymore. Its like I once had a complete puzzle, but kept picking up and discarding certain pieces, until the original completed mosaic has no recognizable form anymore.

Things are slowly hitting home for her now. She is realizing some compromises will need to be made in our life. Like teaching about Joseph Smith in our house or talking about temples, the Book of Mormon or priesthood. I don’t think it’s dawned on her that I have made this compromise for her. I just won’t teach about that stuff at home. I will teach the New Testament or Old Testament. My children will be blissfully ignorant of the 400-plus page socio-political and religious rant about the early 19th century that is the Book of Mormon.

I might cherry-pick a few of Joseph Smith’s Book of Mormon sermons about feeding the hungry and poor, but a bulk of that document can simply be jettisoned in my view. Likewise for the Doctrine and Covenants, as a majority of what was written was to keep specific people in line with what Joseph Smith wanted them to do and cannot really be applied much more widely. In my house, I will teach them not to idolize this man as I was taught to do, not by my own father, but by my mission experience. I hope that he will hold a place as a historical character, whose life should be studied, but certainly not placed on a pedestal as the Mormon church would have us do.

So why am I lucky? My wife chooses me over the church (so far)! Since I’ve revealed my non-orthodoxy to her, she has told me she would support me wherever this leads. I’m learning quickly that this support has some boundaries. I have to live the Word of Wisdom and she has told me that she won’t wear her wedding ring unless I wear my garments. This really saddens me, as I hold our marriage higher than the temple and I made those endowment promises to my version of God when I was a naive 19-year old, not her. I am keeping our marriage promises as made in the temple!

We’ll see where this journey takes us. It has been wonderful not to have to hide this anymore. She wants to keep up hope for me, but in my mind, that train has long since left the station. However, I appreciate the love and understanding I am feeling from her, even as I know what I am doing hurts and cuts her to the core. I feel so close to her right now, like we are finally on the same page. I haven’t felt this way for years! It really is exciting!

The Wheel Came Off

Wow. Just wow. The tire just got blown off about the whole disbelief thing.

I’ve been playing around with a new toy on the Internet called Facebook. It’s basically a social-networking tool that allows you to connect with friends and family. It has an amusing feature that allows you to set your status based on how you’re feeling or what you’re doing. I’ve found many old friends and have been so excited to catch up with them all and see how they are. It has almost been a game to get as many Facebook friends as possible. I even got my wife to sign up and use it and we are competing on friend count.

A couple days ago, I “friended” a girl I once dated. In retrospect, it was innocent enough, but I was asking for trouble.

I spent almost three years of my life pining for this girl. I spent more time pining over her than I spent actually dating her, ironically. We were together for a few months in my freshman year at CWU, then my emotional insecurities kicked in and she mostly walked away from me, though treating me as something of an intimate friend thereafter. I never got over her. When I left that summer to live with my dad in Idaho, I would often listen to music she liked and dream about a future with her in it. I even had a summer fling that didn’t fix it. I returned to Ellensburg that fall to say goodbye to my friends before leaving on my mission to Brazil. I spent the time mostly with her. As I was leaving to return to Idaho and from there to Utah and the Missionary Training Center, we said a long goodbye outside the truck I had borrowed from my dad for the trip. Finally as I was about to leave, she kissed me.

As I drove off to the future, I was elated and my heart was soaring. What did this ambiguous kiss mean? Officially, we were only “friends” at that point. I spent the next two years on my mission thinking about that and towards the end of my mission, I admit, I was fully intending to return home and find her waiting for me. The first call I made when I made it to my dad’s new home in Las Vegas was to her. During that call, I found that I had been “scooped”. A childhood friend of mine had dated and had a whirlwhind engagement to her. They would be married almost before I could see her again!

When I was later dating my future wife, she came into our relationship knowing my history with this girl and has always felt threatened by her down to this day.

Imagine my wife’s surprise to see this woman on my list of “friends”! She confronted me with it, and my immediate reaction is to backpedal and cover-up. I flubbed it badly and my wife assumed the worst. What had started as a pretty innocent moment of curiousity blossomed into full-fledged crisis. As we sat in bed last night, my wife expressed deep disappointment in my actions. She wondered what it all meant…then went on to question me about why there were white t-shirts and underwear that were not the temple garments in the laundry she folded yesterday.

She assumed an affair of some sort. I re-assured her that it was much more tame than that. She pressed me to tell her what it DID mean. I proceeded, little by little, to explain my disdain for the temple ceremonies and their origins. I knew my wall of defense was beginning to crumble and soon she would know the extent of my disaffection. It was scary, both to me AND her. She was beginning to see some of her rosy Mormon worldview façade cracking and was thinking of drastic measures to protect herself and the kids. I actually felt relieved to discuss my issues with a real live person instead of the internet forum, New Order Mormon, that I have been secretly participating in for months.

This morning, we talked again (after she inspected all my internet ramblings and my Facebook account). At first she was angry and accused me of dumping this on her. Then she became reconciled to what I have become and I can see a plan forming to “save” me. She agonized over not being able to talk to anyone about this, because I would be judged by family members and ward members alike. I really respect that she cares about that. When I headed to work, we shared a tender moment and reminded each other about our love. I can tell that she is broken-hearted and it kills me to have done this. This was why I kept it secret for so long. I hate to hurt.

I don’t know what I’ll do at this point. I think I’ve been given free reign to be myself and make my own decisions, but I don’t know how she’ll re-act if I do. I have to keep this marriage together because my family is the only thing I have left to care about in this world. Life would have no value to me without them.

Deliberate Decisions

Apparently, wearing a colored shirt with no tie to church, REALLY disturbed my wife. I sent a signal in more ways than one that church is not where I want to be right now.

After our talk that Sunday, I mentioned that I am not being lazy and
that my actions are the result of deliberate decisions on my part. I
brought up that home teaching was another of those decisions.
Amazingly, she mentioned that I should at least inform the Elders’ Quorum President that I did not intend to do home teaching. So the following week, I resigned from home teaching!

My wife has been thinking this all over for a few weeks, and in the process has told her mom and one of our closest friends (also Mormon) about my heresy. It bugs her that I don’t want to be a straight arrow, that I’m done with being told when and how high to jump by the Mormons. It kind of bugged me that she felt the need to tell everyone. (Secretly, I wish I could tell everyone how deep it goes.)

Finally yesterday, she mentioned in passing that she is coming to terms with the fact that the high expectations she had about her future husband are just not going to happen. I feel a sense of the acceptance I have been craving. I feel a freedom.

Hopefully, the guilt trips won’t come next. I’m hoping the opposite, that she will wonder enough about why I feel like this to listen to some facts about the Mormon church. I just don’t know how it will go over, so I am really afraid to be honest about things that I know…